PHONE AIN'T DEAD YET.

The charger port still sucks and the battery might or might not have issues as well, however, I was able to get one of those wireless chargers, and HOLY MOLY, now I don't have to wait like 8 hours for it to fully charge!

as well as not having to deal with the false contact that would make the phone stop charging at the slightest of movements.

Still have to check the other stuff as soon as possible, but for now...